Mother's Day How to Not Screw It Up

Before we get into the single most important topic of the weekend… MOTHERS! I have a little update from Unlock Performance headquarters.

I’m excited to launch the first Leadership & Performance cohort-based program for Head College Coaches across all sports.
Here is the snapshot: Applications will open up on Monday.
Go to www.unlockperformance.co 

The irony is, that a lot of the principles we work on with leaders of athletic teams have a lot to do with the topic of today’s Together UP! Asking the right questions to get the answers you want, so you can deliver on expectations. It is about human nature.

We think we’re asking the right question when we can use simple tweaks to unlock exponentially different results.

Mother’s Day.

Moms you are AMAZING. I don’t know how you do it.

There is no “but” to that statement.

Where the “but” comes in is for the spouses.

Mother’s Day - The time of year when spouses think they’re asking the question they want to hear in order to DELIVER THE GOODS.

Question: “What do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Answer: “I don’t know how about a bracelet. I could really use a bracelet.”

Result. Bracelet delivered…. NAILED IT!!!!!

When I thought about “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” I realized it’s actually the same thing that pops up every day for so many leaders of people. Thinking you’re asking the right questions to get the right answers, but instead, it leads to frustration; and conflicts down the road.

“What do you want for Mother’s Day?”

How much clearer can someone be? Am I right?

It’s the same as “What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?”

You ask this with good intentions in mind because:

• You genuinely want to know and think you’re asking the right question to get that answer.

• You really just need her to give you the answer key (aka please just spell it out for me!)

• You really do want to do something nice to show her how much you appreciate her.

• You’ll get crushed for not delivering.

• Shall I go on?

You ask this because you think it’s the right question to be asking to give you the answer you’re looking for.

But what you’re really looking for is how can you be successful in delivering for her what she wants to make her feel appreciated, which is a very different thing in itself.

If you think a little deeper about the “What do you want (or want to do)” It puts the conversation into a category of transaction or activity and narrows the viewpoint for answers.

“I’m going to be getting you a gift, what do you want it to be?” The lane you’re traveling in is rational and leans material, so it’ll be answered as such. What do you want to do, falls in the activities, restaurants, and actions lane.

You’re dodging traffic in the rational system of the brain.

You want to be driving in cruise control to arrive at the emotional system of the brain. Emotional ALWAYS direct the rational so reaching it head-on is crucial to being on the same page.

Open-Ended Questions Allow For This

What would a great Mother’s Day look like for you?

What would miss the mark for you on Mother’s Day?

How would you like to spend your day on Mother’s Day? 

An open-ended question leads to better responses by creating a safe lane for the person to share in the way they want to take it.

How do these differ from “What do you want?”

As Charles Duhigg talks about in his new book Supercommunicators, you’re starting by allowing the person to dictate what kind of conversation you’re having.

If you have heard the guidance for when someone shares something hard with you, to ask “Do you want comfort or a solution,” it falls in this same arena. You may be trying to solve a problem and all they want you to do is hear them and have you acknowledge that what they’re going through is hard.

If you’re trying to provide a solution when the person is craving emotional support, you’re missing the mark. The same is true when reversed.

Now’s the time to think back to the memorable scene from White Man Can’t Jump (1992) When Gloria, lying in bed, says “Billy I’m thirsty”. And Billy rightly gets up and brings her back a glass of water.

This happens everywhere, not just in relationships. You walk away feeling good because you think you have been there for them and they walk away feeling like you don’t understand them. (Does this resonate with you?)

So these types of open-ended questions lay the foundation for understanding what lane they want to be in.

• Does a nice gift hit home?

• Or is getting back some of her time simply where she would feel the most appreciated?

Maybe…MAYBE….she just wants six hrs of alone time that she hasn’t had in a long time. Maybe “Mom” is dying to share that, but she has too much guilt to say it.

In “What would a great Mother’s Day look like for you?” There is a safe opening for what the person really wants. Even the ol’ “Well, this may sound awful, but, you know what would be amazing for me? If we could figure out how I can just be alone for 4 hrs. I feel like i’ve had everyone asking me for everything every minute of every day and it would be great to just have a little quiet for a chunk of time. That would mean so much to me and then maybe we all meet up and we can have a great day together after that.”

(Disclaimer: Together UP! is the no-judgment zone…so if that’s how you feel I see you, I hear you, and while I can never understand, I GET IT!)

To tie it in, open-Ended questions provide the same upside in any work or team environment by the way, and in any conversation.

You might think you’re “checking in” by asking “How are you doing?”

Or “building connection” by carving out time in a meeting to ask questions.

But are you asking the right questions that will give you answers that make the person feel able to share with you what they REALLY Want to share for them to feel connected, appreciated, motivated, and heard?

I offer you the opportunity to try it out in your next conversation if you want to go a little deeper than just a response of “I’m doing fine”.

Your 1:1 meetings: You may think asking “So how are things going?” serves the purpose you’re intending, but instead, asking “What’s your biggest challenge these last two weeks?” is going to evoke a meaningfully deeper response.

Your group meetings: It might seem appropriate to say to everyone, “Did everything make sense?” (Only to be stared at with silent, unconvincing nods” when in fact, “Tell me one thing that didn’t make sense to you or is still a little confusing” will bring out the results you’re looking for.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you incredible moms out there. You are AMAZING. I don’t know how you do it!

Happy Mother’s Day to My Mom Else Hess!

Happy Mother’s Day to my Mother in-law Linda Whalen!

And a special Happy Mother’s Day to my wife Sara! The mom to our 3 lucky kids. That bracelet is on its way and I’m gonna NAIL IT!!

We’re in this journey together. Together UP!

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